Lady Lavender: Divinity in progress...

The next morning, I awaken with the morning sunlight. I feel strong and confident that it be a great day. Though a little terrified of the morning bugs that I may find in the outhouse, I muster up some courage to go there and try it out. It's just one small obstacle to get over, right? I get there, no bugs, so the potty time is easy. Now, off to conquer the showers. I arrive there with my towel, toothbrush and clothes for the day and of course, somebody is using it. I decide to wait, in another part of the forest.

The Labyrinth: A lovely sacred place.

The labyrinth is close to the showers so I decided to go over there while I wait. The idea is that you can walk in it with a question in your mind and by the time you've gone through it, you will have an answer. Pretty cool I thought - never mind the sacred part. I go in but without a question but a hope - I was hoping that I would be shown my spiritual life purpose path.

I entered the labryinth and as I walked through it I'm looked down at ground. I figured, hey - why look up when the path will guide me. I started off very slow and I was listening to some binaural beats in my ipod. I walked slowly and steadily, almost marchlike but as I focused on my breathing, I noticed something started to change. I became more aware of the sound of my feet and breathing as I picked up the pace. It was as if all the moving parts of my body were suddenly in sync. I wasn't in tune with the music I was listening to but rather in sync with my body, breathing, walking, and watching the ground. I started to focus and it seemed as if I were in a trance of some sort. Nothing seemed to matter except keeping the pace.

The thoughts came and quickly disappeared. I found myself focusing on 1 question - where will my life path take me? I remember at some point, I asked Arch Angel Michael to come in to greet me and of course, I felt him there. All around me. An unexplainable bliss fell over me and tears came from my eyes. It was so weird. I kept going and as I walked around, I saw signs. I mean, real signs - in the middle of the forest. How crazy is that? Basically, my question was getting answered.

The signs: How did that get there?

First, I saw a few rocks piled up on top of each other like a triangle. I understood that it meant, my foundation must be strong so build it. The next thing I noticed was a figure in a tree stump that looked like a heart. Love yourself - is how I took it. Then when I arrived inside the core of the labyrinth, I notice a Chinese symbol carved into a rock. I couldn't read it but it seemed to transform itself into the words, O.K. - I took that as meaning everything is going to be alright if I stay on track. I stopped to take the time to look at all the things people had left before me and it seemed like each one of those items meant something to me to. As I walked out of the core and back around, the signs I noticed said beauty and patience. Amazing how your questions get answered in ways you least expect it, isn't it? I left feeling peaceful and comfortable with my life. Now if only I could feel that way before getting in to an exposed open shower...

The shower was actually a magical experience for me. Being able to shower in the early morning light with the open forest right there at my back was a little frightening yet also enlightening. I was able to turn my gaze towards the forest and for once feel as the whole world were watching, without judgment. I felt the gaze of the beautiful trees, and the wandering eyes of the sky above - looking and examining me but with arms of joy. They were welcoming me home and they let me know they were glad I had returned. I can't explain it but for someone who is terrified of public exposure, somehow - showering there, where anything or anyone could have come up - gave me more optimism and most importantly, a realization and love for the natural beauty of the forest, and for my own. After that shower, I felt as if I had not only washed off dirt and the remains from a lovely bond fire, but that I had also uncovered a precious gem that lie beneath a layer of ignorance.

Morning Mantra: Om sweet Om

The rest of the morning brought me to kirtan chanting. It was 108 repetitions of the Gayatri Mantra. It basically asking the brilliance of Divinity to illuminate us. Om Bhur Buvaha Suvaha
Tat Savithur Varenyam / Bhargo Devasya Dheemahi / Dhiyo Yonaha Prachodayat would be the original words and of course, there are many version on the internet so if you're curious and want to know more, just google it. I walked over to the lovely glass house and arrived just in time for chanting. At first, I didn't want to surrender to the vibrant sounds but eventually, I did and when I let myself relax and just be, only then did amazing things begin to happen.

First, I had a deja-vu - big deal, right? But this time I made myself stay in the moment and it worked. It dawned on me that I had dreamt this scene 3 weeks before. It was something about chanting, a blanket, and a guy on a bike. Later, I asked my friend if she remembered the dream I had told her about and luckily, she did. We both realized it at the same time - the guy that we had met on the bike earlier, the blankets wrapped around the people and the chanting were all the same things that I had mentioned some 3 weeks before. Incredible, isn't it?

After a few more moments of silence, I went even further into my trance or daydream. I had a vision of me teaching yoga only I wasn't myself. I turned into a figure that was larger than life. This figure was gigantic and had 6 arms. It was female and had a red jewel in the middle of her crown. From the top two hands, I was pouring out energy upon the people. The middle two hands were doing yoga and the bottom two hands were making sure that the energy was being distributed evenly amongst the people. I took it to mean that my life was at a crossroads. A change was upon me and so I must be aware of my own energy. Distribute my own energy evenly throughout the varied activities that I enjoy. When I arrived back to civilization, I asked my Hindu friend if she knew anything about this vision. She told me to search for a goddess called , Kali. When I read about Kali - I was completely floored. Kali apparently was also known for the goddess of eternal energy! wow! absolutely amazing.

Downward facing dog again: The ultimate peace

That afternoon at yoga was also a very uplifting and wonderful experience for me. By this time, I was completely floating on air after having had my visions, talking to new people, and just becoming one with nature. Could it get any better? Of course it did. I show up to the yoga, ready for action. I was worried it would be too much for me since I am recovering from arthritis in the knees and 8 weeks of chiropractic therapy for it. I decided to go anyway and hoped that it would make a difference in my body. This yoga was Vinyasa flow with kirtan chanting. The amount of love in that room was out of this world. We did many poses over and over, constantly moving and breathing. We were all in rhythm with each other and with our breathing. As we held a warrior two pose, I felt my eyes begin to burn with tears. Not because it was hard to do, but because an overwhelming sense of bliss filled my heart. I was extremely happy to be there doing this exercise and I was so thankful for all of my friends, family, and everything else you can imagine. Several times this happened and I couldn't explain it. Finally, at the end of this session, the yoga instructor came by and anointed us with an essential oil. Lavender I think, or maybe patchouli. Whatever it was, seemed so extremely familiar to me that I remember laying on the mat in shavasanah and thinking to myself, there's no place like home. I didn't mean the home that we had driven 100 miles from, but another home - another cosmic home it seemed. A world unlike the place we call Earth and a world where everyone is enlightened. That feeling stayed within me - a memory that I had was opened and relived again. I guess I must have found that spot in which all is peaceful.

The yoga was over but the feeling that is provoked within me still lingered on. I didn't want it to stop and I knew that somehow that I must return to that place again. I must return home. The flame of white light inside me had just been rekindled...

In circles: Back at the labyrinth

Finally, the night was coming to an end. I felt great but it seemed like I was missing one more piece of this ultimate path to enlightenment. What could it be?
That night, we had a meditation in the labyrinth complete with candles, live music, and a digeridoo. The labyrinth seemed even more magical and mystical than earlier that morning and I couldn't wait to go through again to see what it had to tell me. The funny thing was , after going through it, I realized that I had actually gotten the answer before I even entered. You see, we had to get smudged with sage before going in. The young man standing at the entrance had a bowl of burning sage and he wafted upon us , one by one, before stepping into the labyrinth. The two words he said to me before I entered, were perhaps the most enlightening that I had heard all day. Just after he scanned me with the last little bit of smoke, he said - Namaste sister. -- Namaste sister is what resonated with me throughout that walk. It was very familiar to me that sound. I don't know why because I haven't got any brothers or sisters and even less, the word namaste as I didn't study yoga or anything related to it before that weekend. I don't know what it was but, after he said it I realized that yes, he is correct! We are all brothers and sisters here. I felt a grand connection with the people standing behind me even the ones that I didn't speak to much during the weekend. Maybe it was the chanting together - we would be connected through that energy I suppose. Perhaps it was the skinny dipping in the middle of the night? We'd all be connected through daring and uninhibited actions .. or maybe it was because of the laughter and jokes we shared, overcoming personal obstacles, or maybe it was because we weren't allowed to have cell phones and PCs there in the public area. Somehow, by disconnecting ourselves with our comfortable life, we all became reconnected with self and others. Whatever the reason, I know that those people present in the forest that weekend were my cosmic family. My true brothers and sisters.

So , here I am. 100 days of yoga. I've made myself the commitment. My goal is to have a great body, mind, spirit and soul. Developed, in tact, and healthy. I want to be the being that walks around without a flashlight because my inner light shines so brightly and I want to infect everyone around me with divine joy and laughter. Inspiration and creativity.

History: What just happened?

Well, it goes like this. I'm a developing intuitive counselor you see. I have my doubts still that it really happens but, each time it does happen - I get more confident. Just when I was up and running, my dearest grandmother passes away. (Gigi's journey) - it was sad but amazing..but after that.......somehow......I...........lost............steam. I was going strong and living through it all and picking up my business but then, just like that. - I put it all down. Depression perhaps? I don't know but I fell into this funk. A funk of nothingness where work weighted me down. The family unit was so stressful and annoying, and the world around me seemed pointless and silly. Have a great job and live comfortably you say? pfft! yeah, right - only for the rich already rich! - Everything I built up, I laid to rest - just like my grandmother.

I was very accustomed to feeling good! But then, this summer - I got used to being sad. It felt normal. I accepted things and just - lived. I lived, rather than experienced life - pretty lame isn't it? Then, the chiropractor said I had arthritis in the knees. What? Are you kidding me? 8 weeks of shots in the knees? 2 times a week? And a tilted pelvis? Plus one leg is shorter than the other? man... can we please stop pouring it on so thick? I'm only 37...I think...

So now what? Am I to just sit back and take the pain all summer? Well, yep - that's exactly what happened. You see, I began focusing on all the bad things that had happened and how badly I felt due to all the shots I was taking. I couldn't run out and dance without consequences. I had to sit and be still - which is very unusual for me. I have a 5 year old that I couldn't run around with and ...and...and.... - and so it went, all summer long until 1 little decision became the best decision I ever made.

Yoga in the Trees: Kundalini? Isn't that a term that would make Freud proud?

I have this friend - this really great amazing friend who talked me in to going on a yoga retreat to the forest. The hostel in the forest she told me and it would have music. This is what really attracted me - I'm a music freak and anywhere there is live music, I'm there. So, ok let's go.

I get there and I'm thinking to myself as we drive up the driveway - cool! Yet kind of scary. I wasn't prepared to do this and as we started to meet people, I was even more worried. A few yoga instructors were there and what seemed like her whole class had come along. I have only done yoga like 3 times so imagine the horror when I heard, - hey , this gal can bust a crow on my back! - I thought I was certainly doomed because the yoga was going to kick my butt. There was no way I could hang. There was no way I was going to fit in with all these people. Wait...I don't even like yoga that much! - Can we just turn around and drive back home...please?!

The night went on and I met a guy who had just dropped in for a place to sleep. Besides being absolutely gorgeous, he had just taken a 10 hour trip from his hometown to this hostel in the forest, on a bicycle! That's right, a bicycle. I asked him about the movie, motorcycle diaries and he mentioned that it was where he go his inspiration. I wanted to ask How? Why? but , I didn't.
Later, we asked him if he wanted a glass of wine and he declined. I found out much later after that in his blog, he mentions something about sobriety being sexy...hmm... I wonder if he or someone he knows is recovering and his journey is about that release? Whatever it may be, he seemed not to be too afraid. No fear is what he represented to me and so, I took that as a message.

The night goes on and bhakti chanting round the fire begins. I'm not taking this seriously I thought to myself. In fact, I believe I giggled for a moment but then, as I gazed at the strangers around the pit, I noticed that those fire kissed glowing faces seemed very peaceful and happy. If not happy then definitely they were calm and thought-less. I noticed a tiny energy shift and suddenly, I felt left out. It was more than just music that was happening and I wanted to be a part of it. I let myself surrender to the music and feel it with my heart like the musician I used to be... the vibration and sound and the beat of the drums...suddenly started to match the beating of my heart and the fire. I remember singing like a timid little girl and within minutes, I transformed that sound into a small tiny cub lion. - well, you gotta start somewhere - I had a vision while we were chanting. Something inside me told me that this was just what I needed. I sang on, stayed out late, made a few friends, laughed, and went to bed. As I looked up into the ceiling of my treehouse, I noticed that the chants still resonated inside my mind. I was feeling good and empowered..I was going to sleep but somehow, I felt like I was waking up....

It’s never easy when a loved one leaves us but I think it’s especially hard when your mother is the one who goes. Recently, I got the opportunity to watch my mother cry silently over the death of her mother as she stood with a hopeful gaze in her eyes at the edge of her hospital bed. She was constantly squeezing her hand and hoping that with every little twitch of a finger or a “bump” in the eye that the life would return to “gran” or “gigi” as my daughter often referred to her great grandmother. I was there at the other side of the bed with my angelite crystal in pocket and desperately praying inside my mind directly to Archangel Michael. I wanted him to ask the “Maker” if he could please do something about this situation. “Ask Him if He can give her back life, breathe the spirit back into her”, I would think in my mind. No response from the Archangel Michael nor my grandmother. I listened to my mother go back and forth with stories that ranged from how funny she used to be, recalling a joke, and then back to puddles of tears streaming down the face. It was a like a rollercoaster made for emotions, uncontrollable, bitter and sweet all at the same time. How could this be happening to us and why now? I was certain that the last time she was in the hospital she would still live on at least another 2 years. I mean, I have plans for her to meet her new great grandchildren, to see me suddenly become a millionaire, to finally see my mom in a great big house, to see my daughter graduate from college …but those were my plans, right?

Time passes and still no response from grandma – she wasn’t responding as far as reflexes go and nothing would phase the glazed look she had in her eye. No tears, no blinks, - nada. It was a blank stare of who knows what – memories flashing by? Muted sniffles and muffled voices? Or perhaps she was already out of the body and watching everything we were saying, ..from above.? It was a long shot that she would survive this I was thinking but, I didn’t want to lose faith. I continued to call my Angels and I wanted them by my side – by her side – I wanted them to give me a sign to let me know that they were there – but yet, nothing came. – Finally the doctor entered and asked us if we were ready to remove the life support. It was a decision that mom and other family members helped her to make, along with the doctor’s recommendation. We were told that she was brain dead and that even if she did survive being off the machine, she would be in a vegetable like state. Her brain was not connecting to the body at all – perhaps from the trauma of being without air for so long…as you see, this was the state she was in after being resuscitated at least once already…

Late night, (the night before)around 11:30pm – Gigi herself phoned 911. My mom cancelled the call because the doctor said she was going into a state of dementia so she’d have reactions of this nature. However, about 15 minutes later, my mom noticed she really wasn’t breathing and phoned 911 again – they arrived in a flash. They tried for 4 – 5 maybe even 6 minutes and then finally, her heart starting beating on its own. My mom was relived at this point and I was on a darkened highway with my 5 year old and my grandmother’s sister in tow, fighting back the tears and sleep as it was nearly 1am before we were even close to arriving. It would be another 1hr and a half before we’d even arrive to the outskirts of my old home town.The next hours were spent waiting and hoping and sleeping in the uncomfortable chairs of the ER family waiting room. Finally she was placed into an intensive care unit and we were allowed to go back and see her – this was 5am. We stayed until 6 and then went home. Up again at 10 to return and stayed until time of death – 3:28pm.

The point of telling this whole story is that while deeply saddened by my grandmother’s death, I was and am extremely glad that I had the opportunity to be with her until this end because even if her brain had checked out long before, the spirit was still there. My mom gave the nod to start taking her off the medicines and the nurse explained everything she was doing. Once the medicine was off - she was still kept on the respirator. At some point before they took her off the respirator, I was standing at the foot of her bed. I placed my hand on her big toe and just stood there, looking, wondering, and wishing. My aunt – her sister- said a prayer and the one thing that I overheard was, “let us not be selfish as we release her into His kingdom”. It was at that moment, I thought to myself – yes, I agree. I mustn’t be selfish. I have to let you go. At that moment, the sign that I had been waiting for all night long came. I felt Archangel Michael come in very strongly – from the top of my head all the way through to my waist. I was clearly imagining (or feeling vividly), that his wings were holding me and comforting me – then just as I was getting ready to cry, something happened. A feeling and sense of peace suddenly overwhelmed me and as sure as it is day, I tell you, I swear I could feel her spirit come up through the toe and up my arm. She passed through my whole body on her way out. I didn’t hear any sounds but there was something going through my chest and out the other side. There is no way you could tell me anything different but I seemed to forget all about the noises and crying that I had been listening to from my mom and aunt. I suddenly found myself being able to let go.

I walked over to her , held her head and then kissed her on her forehead. I stepped back and sadness came over me as my tears began to fall. Nobody else could understand it as she was still “breathing” but I felt it and I felt it strongly. She loved us all and she knew that we loved her and she knew we were there because we did not want leave her alone. Soon, the respiratory expert came along and removed the tubes and disconnected the machine. She still had 20 to 30 heartbeats per minute but she was instantly not breathing. As the medicine completed its course, so did her body. 4 minutes later, the body was gone too. The nurse came in and said, “flatline.” The tears overcame my mother and then her nervous, “what am I going to do now” question came through. I was now strong enough to comfort her without crying because I knew that Gigi’s journey was just beginning, rather than ending… “I love you” I said whispering quietly under my breath and I turned back to get one last glimpse of her body just as her sister leaned over her to close her eyes. I knew that she was on her way to His kingdom and that Archangel Michael was gently guiding her towards the heavens…