Lady Lavender: Divinity in progress...

(this is a long story - if you're still with me, go grab a box of cookies)...


So all these things happening in my life - they are infinitesimal compared to matters of the world or perhaps even to those reading this blog - but, they remain the center of my insanity. I want to get rid of them but I don't know how. I felt like I was reaching an all time low. At that time, the movie, "The Secret" was out and of course people are raving about it. A friend of mine told me what it was about and when I saw the trailer, I was like - nah, sounds like a bunch of junk. I passed up the offer. Meanwhile, my life was plagued with death here and there, bad luck, and a downward spiral of finances.
Sometime in July or August of last year, I got an email from a good friend. I read through his email and so on and at the bottom of it, he had added a link. His tag read something like, "Live in abundance" and I clicked it and it took me straight to the website for the secret. You could download the trailer and the movie. (whether that was official or unofficial, I don't know). Ok, so I downloaded it thinking - ok, I'll give it a chance. - No luck. My computer wouldn't allow me to watch the format and I couldn't install anything because it was a work computer. I didn't have administrative rights... Instead of asking for permission or the program I just said - oh well - and moved on.

Things kept getting worse it seemed and then I had to keep asking for money from my parents! The divorce I was going through cost a lot of money, there was talk of him taking me to court in order to get custody, I was scared! We'd lived apart for more than 2 years and I thought it was smooth sailing. We got along just fine and lived our own life - he had a new girlfriend and I had a new boyfriend. - Things at work - our new director was awful and we had more and more work. I spent less and less time with my own child and there was not enough money...blah! I finally decided that I needed sometime for myself so I took 3 days off work, dropped the baby with grandma, and decided I was going to relax. I was only going to do things that made me happy. I decided to go to a concert with my boyfriend and I was going to spend the weekend with him.

Not a good idea. He ended up bringing along another woman that he'd previously had something with - I knew about her, but she didn't know about me. It was quite the awkard situation and very uncomfortable. I stuck it out and when it was over, I told him I would like to go to his home and pick up my things. She came back with us! - It wasn't like I just up and left because this woman was with us - there was history behind it. A long story - We had known each other 2 years as friends. He didn't tell me he had a live in girlfriend until 3 months after the fact that we were dating, I stopped seeing him and not talking for about 6 months then oneday he just reappeared. Literally just showed up to my house at a small gathering I was having. We slowly became friends again, that girlfriend eventually left him, and about 4 months after she left, we became "us." It was the best relationship I had ever been in. Low maintence, funny, spontaneaous, romantic...all the fixin's! Just one problem - he was a "babe" magnet. Loves women and women of all sorts, shapes, colors, sizes, etc... I could appreciate it and I was secure with myself so I said - you know, let's remain open. He said sure!

He told me if he had been seeing anyone else whenever I asked. I could handle it. I only asked him to maintain distance. I didn't need to meet them. We had a few issues with that and then this one, that concert, was the last draw. I left with the idea of giving him some space. I left on a good note and he said he understood. I said I'd call him in a few days - just let me get myself together. 10 minutes after I left - text message, " I need 2 thk if I wnt u in my life. u handled this badly. maybe u rn't the right 1." - I immediately called him, nothing - He wouldn't answer and when he did, he gave a cold, "stop calling" - and just as quickly as he entered my life, he had gone. Now what. 2 more days left of my "me time" and this is what I get. Can it get any worse?

I was sad and miserable for a month it seemed. A friend finally said - get out of the house and come with me. You need some touch therapy. (what?) She convinced me to attend a group where apparently people just touch and hug all the time. Interesting concept. I went - as uncomfortable as that sounds, it was quite great! I met quite a few really cool people. I even exchanged numbers with a few. My birthday was coming up in a few days and I decided they would become my new social group but I quickly found out, that none of them lived close by - even one lived all the way out in California.

So my birthday comes - nothing special. It had been 6 weeks or longer since the breakup and nothing. That day, I got a text message from him. "Happy bday!" - and I thought to myself - ugh, why are you bothering... A few minutes later, the courier guy shows up and says he had a package for me... wtf? I never get packages.

I study the label and who is from? This guy in California. I had known him 2 days, why is he sending me a package. We exchanged addresses and emails as he said he was returning next weekend and wanted to GPS it to my house. He'd pick me up and go to lunch... Now I see... it was so he could send me this package. I opened it and it was a book - "The Secret". It had a note in it, " Just by talking to you, this seemed appropriate. I hope you enjoy and Happy Birthday."
Well, I didn't tell him all about my depression we only talked about "fun" things. I barely knew him. Anyway, I said to myself - I guess there is no excuse now...