Lady Lavender: Divinity in progress...

Ok - so this whole secret stuff is freaking me out even more. I'll have to admit that I let myself slip and starting thinking about "getting out of debt". Well, of course that just started this downfall of bills - even it wasn't "that time of the month" and yet there they were. So, of course, like any person feeling sorry for him/herself - I was very upset, sad, and disappointed that I was still having these financial issues - and at "my age!" ugh! I was just thinking about how much I wanted to get out of debt and it seems like everyday, a suprise debt came along.

Anyway, I decided I wanted to do something about that debt! Get serious and combat it. I decided last Saturday afternoon that I was going to be rich! (for real!) I now have a mission and I'm getting excited about it. Sure, sure, I've said it before but this time there was this little "fire" that went off inside my body it seems...an excitement - the journey! You know what I mean? Like when you know you want to do something but you have no idea how or where or what you were going to do to get there, but you just knew you HAD to make it happen? Well, that's what I felt. I laid there in my room, surrounded by the bills and statements that I had opened in the past couple of days and all of a sudden my phone rang.

Well, it was my mobile phone and of course, I NEVER answer it if it is a number that I don't know or if it's a marketing number of some sort -- I reached over to pick up the phone and I swear, it opened (like a freak accident) and I was forced to answer it! I held my breath to see if anyone would say hello. I mean, I didn't get to see the number so, how do I know it wasn't some stalker ex that was calling to check up on me? (ok, not likely but you know)...

I listen to the voice on the other line and it seems to be an automated phone call. I listen and it's all about a money making type job offer. For whatever reason, I didn't hang up yet I didn't feel like I was being sucked in to another scheme. I actually felt good about it - so I continued to listen. It gave me another number to call and speak to an agent - so I did!

So, now I'm on the phone - listening - yadda yadda yadda... I talk to another agent, then another, get the discounts..etc.. It's going to cost me $100 to sign up and they will help me do what I need to do. Guidance, and all that good stuff. I'm still thinking about it when the guy on the other line asks me how did I hear about them because he needed the "id" of the person who signed me up. I said well, I got an automated call. He responded to me and said, "hmm, I didn't think we had that service. We've only just started with our promotions." - After that, I said - ok, I'll take it!

I bought the package and I did feel like THIS TIME, it's going to work because I'm ready. I said, well, if this is what I'm supposed to do, give me a sign and then after that I said to myself, "Money comes easily and without effort." - (I heard it from the movie of course) - I decided to believe that statement. 100% - and by the end of the day, when the mail came... I had a check for $25.00 - for no real apparent reason. I mean I worked for the place but I hadn't worked or turned in a time sheet since 60 days ago. I can see that perhaps they made an accounting error and just now figured it out but...there woule have been a phone call or an email. For me, it was like a check out of the blue. - I was very suprised but, I expressed my gratitude and after that, I repeated..."Money comes easily and without effort."

We'll see what happens next. The week isn't over yet!

Right, so you remember how I'm trying to win the lottery and supposed to be visualizing money and the such? Well, yesterday I realized that I had an old plane ticket voucher that was valid for 1 year. I paid for it, but never used it. I called about it and the rep was like, sure - you can get a refund! Wow - some money came in! Awesome... but what really did it for me, was the letter I got in the mail. Apparently I have been over paying one of the monthly bills and I have a credit in my name $x amount of dollars. The letter basically said that I can get the refund for it or have them credit my account. The funny thing about it, is that the amount in the letter totally matches the 3 numbers I was playing in the lottery! Coinkidinky or just dinky? Hmmm...

Ok - can this whole quest get any better? Of course it can! I'm REALLY believing it even more. So you remember how I am set on winning the lottery? Well, I've learned to listen to those little voices in my head or that sudden haunch on things. I was given a "number" in my head so I decided I would play it. Just a random 3 digit number as we have that CASH 3 (and 4 ) here in GA, so I ran to the nearest gas station to play it. That "idea" came to me on a Thursday. I played the numbers that day and Friday and on Monday. I lost each time and so I gave up. I woke up on Tuesday morning and heard the voice in my head..."play the numbers today!!" so ok ok ok I thought -- I'll get to it. I roll out of bed, it's noon and the midday play had already gone by. Oh well, I'll try it this afternoon. - I go do some errands, talk to a friend, go eat, blah blah blah... all the everyday things... 6:15pm! - They will have already played the evening numbers... ah, no worries - I'll get me a ticket for Wednesday.

So, 8pm - I finally get up to the counter and I order "my numbers". I get home - eventually fall asleep and wake up sometime close to noon. I haven't thought about it again. Thursday evening I decide - hey, I wonder what happened with that lottery ticket? So, I get online and check - and well I'll be... I go to the GA lottery website and BAM! I see MY friggin numbers have won! I nearly flipped a lid. I was ready to call the whole world but...I went to my ticket and checked it. Sure enough, the numbers were there, all in a row. Perfect! However, the date was for the next day! The numbers I played had won, but because I was turtle slow... they won that afternoon that I had the "haunch" and I didn't go play the numbers until after the fact.

I tell you what, I will move a lot faster the next time I get a sudden desire to play certain numbers. Moral of this blog entry: When you wish for something, listen to the response and act rapidly! :-)

I have to say that 100% , not yet. But, I'm at 98% and the one thing that set me over the edge at believing that this stuff works, isn't all the "fun" stuff. I'm going to share with you a little story about my grandmother...

She's in her late 70's - She loves my child to death. She's not senile (yet) but is suffering from poor health. She doesn't take care of herself and therefore, is now suffering. She was an avid smoker and drinker until she had to go on oxygen. She loves to eat and is very overweight. She is now bedridden, but - she doesn't have to be. She just doesn't try.

Anyway, she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. She basically needs to get more oxygen into the lungs so that she can keep pushing out the fluid that collects. She has to have a special diet, eat well, stay away from too much water based, and sugar based products, etc..etc.. Well, needless to say, she doesn't do it.

Oneday she was having a hard time breathing and we had to call emergency. She was rushed to the hospital and sedated. She had a lot of fluid in her lungs and pnumonia was settling in. I thought that her Angel of Death was close by and I knew my mother wouldn't be able to handle it if she were to leave us now. I tell you, I wished more than anything that she would get better. The doctors said that she could go 50/50. But her lungs were filling up with fluid faster than what they could pump out. I felt bad and in a way, I knew I had to do something.

The doctors came in one day and said that the fluid was very mucous like and that she had some kind of black substance in there as well. It was going to be hard work for her to get that out since her intake of oxygen was very poor. I panicked of course and knew that something had to be done. I thought about it all day and at some point, I slipped into "naptime". I'll never forget it - I was at my mom's house and I was just laying on the couch and slipped into that stage between sleeping and being awake - you know, the one where you can hear what's around you but you're still dreaming? That one... well, I dreamt that I was in a little spaceship - and I had entered into my grandmother's bloodstream. (Very , "honey, I shrunk the kids-ish") In this little "spaceship" I was sitting there with a giant toothbrush. (I know, hilarious right?) and once I got to my grandmother's ribcage and lungs, I got out of the spaceship with this giant toothbrush. All of a sudden, the darkness that I was in turned to a bright white surrounding, as if I had a flashlight, and I was able to see clearly the blacksubstance that was on the lung and sticking to the ribcage. Well, as you can imagine, I brushed , scrubbed, and cleaned every bone of the ribcage and cleaned off the lungs. Then, almost as if I were pressure washing the lung, I guess - I rinsed everthing off and drained it. I got back into my spaceship and jetted off. I woke up.

This dream to me was so vivid that my arms seemed tired when I woke up. I felt like I had been working. It was very strange. I ignored and just thought to myself - I wish I had the power to do that for real. Later that afternoon, we went to the hospital. What the doctor told us afterwards, I thought I was going to pee in my pants. He said that somehow, the amount of fluid in her lungs had diminished greatly and that the black substance that was there (I forgot what he called it) - was disappearing. They didn't know how but, her breathing had improved and within a few hours, if all keeps going well, they would have her lungs cleared. Sure enough - by the very next day - She was awake. Mildly sedadated and her lungs were cleared. The black stuff was gone and probably in the next 24hours (after some monitoring) she would be back at home. The Pnuemonia was gone or didn't completly settle - and her recovery was amazing.

That coincidence or miracle made me almost have a heart attack. I was freaked out yet overjoyed. As silly and ridiculous as it may sound - somehow, I attribute my "dream" to her recovery. Impossible - I know! Perhaps it's impossibly possible... whatever happened, made my grandmother recover and quickly. That was a while back and though she had to return to the hospital a few months later due to something else - she wasn't nearly as bad as she was the first time. She's still doing ok today.

After that incident - my 2% belief factor went up to 90%. Then all these little things make up that other 8% bringing me to my 98% - Through this blog, and more "testing" - perhaps I will convince myself of the other remaining 2%. If the key to the secret is visualization, then I do have a vivid imagination. The times that things have randomly come to me, I had visualized it happening and then later, it did. I tell you what though, a few days ago, I had a vivid dream about the lottery numbers. I was sooo lazy that I didn't get off my butt to go play those numbers immediately but, when I did...I found out that the numbers I played - based on my dream - had won the afternoon before. Since I don't watch tv much, I rely on checking things via internet. I bought the ticket and waited a few days and checked later. I saw that my numbers had won but -- I was just 24hrs too late. My ticket was dated the next day... damn - just damn!

Anyway, I shall keep trying. Maybe I'll have another dream or perhaps another bout of luck...

After seeing that the secret and universe or whatever you want to call it, actually brought me things that were "tailored" to my liking, I decided to see if I could just "conjure" up things here and there. Of course, the biggest ailment that I suffer from is money and a partner. I'd like to have both - at once! I decided I'd make me a vision board, just like the guy in the movie mentions...

Here's what I did: Basically bought a cork board, carefully selected images from magazines that depicted items and phrases that I wanted to have. I put it somewhere in my home where I'd be able to see it everyday. I was revising it just last week and thought to myself -bah! Nothing ever became of it. It's been several months and nothing...at least I thought that nothing had come true. As I was about to walk away from it a blue sticky note that I had tagged up there, fell down to the floor. I picked it up and written on it was, "I need $10,000 in unexpected income 60 days from now." - I remembered and thought about that time frame... what happened?

Interestingly enough my parents got something like $11K in insurance for a home they owned that was damaged by a storm. They didn't know anything about it as an uncle of mine lives in the home and asked and did the inquiry about it. He actually vacated the home and lived with a girlfriend. He ended up staying with her and thought nothing else of the inquiry. Months later, a check came to my parents. ...If I had only specified that I wanted it to come to me.. what could have happened?

I took another good look at the things I had posted. One was for a particular perfume that I adored - I didn't get it but, what was funny is that at the time, the boyfriend I had purchased one for his mother and wanted to buy one for me but, it was all sold out. He and his sister searched up and down for this perfume and finally found it. Later, we broke up but - I could still say that I "almost" owned it. The last thing that caught my eye was that I had created a "circle of friends" who enjoyed the same things I did. When I thought about it - even my old group of friends had ceased due to break ups, move ins/outs, divorces etc... They were all now spread about. I had met new people since then and there are 3 of us who feel a great connection. Whenever we meet, we find out that we have more and more things in common. I actually have a picture of the three of us sitting together, in a circle and not only is the setting similiar to that of the picture on the board, the "look" of the other two is very similar to the way the people in the cut out version also look. Interesting...

I keep thinking that there is some sort of unseen force that makes you fuel your willpower. You see the image so you indirectly make the choices needed in order to "get what you want", right? - but I guess that doesn't explain how money comes about... So maybe this stuff, is working...hmm

"ok universe, send me my friend "Bill" - I said outloud and repeated that several times. - ha! Several hours later, he called another friend of mine and meet up with us later that night. Probably a coincidence, the chances were quite high that he would have called anyway.

"ok, universe, have my friend "Jill" call me. I need to speak to her. " - She phoned me later that day. It's not likely that Jill would have phoned me on any given day since she and I aren't that close of friends. Again, coincidence?

"ok, universe, I'm waiting to make some good money! Send it to me!" - and I imagined getting paid extra money. Within one month, I got offered three extra projects to do concerning my job. I was going to be getting extra pay for each project completed and just as I had pictured it, a check came after each completed one. - hmmm...now what should I ask for?

Of course, I put the book away and avoided it for several months. I finally picked it up and read about half of it. This was crazy I thought - put it out there so the universe can get it? Insane. - But something pushed me along and told me to test drive it. Ok, fine - I can't hurt. What have I got to loose?

Ok, see it and believe it -- Alright universe - I really need some money. So, I thought about money all day long. Like literally, all day long. Every time I could focus, I thought of finding money, people giving it to me, winning the lottery. I thought about it all day at work and by the time I got home, I was tired of it. I didn't even find one cent. I gave up. Too exhausted. - Then, the most interesting thing happened. I took my daughter out for a walk - a cutie she is. We were stopped by an older woman walking along with her husband I would imagine. She looked and looked and told me how cute the baby was then she reached into her pocket and said, "Can I give her a dollar?" - I chuckeled and thought - a dollar? - Amazingly, I didn't say anything negatively and simply said thanks and took it. She said to please let her buy some candy or a doll with it and that she deserved it... Thanks, and she went on about her way. hmmm Just a coincidence I suppose.

We get in at about 7:45pm: Just at that moment, my phone rings. My friend from a long time ago - he used to live up the street from us but moved to the other side of the city. He came over to chat. He's there not more than 10 minutes when he starts getting a migrain headache. He gives me $20 and asks me to go to the store to find a particular aspirin that he wanted. So, the baby and I leave him there and run to the nearest supermarket. I call him stating I don't see it. He said well nevermind come back. I'm gone like 15 minutes or 20 minutes. I get back, he's feeling better and says he needs to leave so he can make the drive back. I get the money out and say, here ya go - he says to me, "Oh you keep it. I appreciate you running out like that for me". - Interesting...

8:30 or 8:45pm: My mom calls. "Hey, I dropped you $200 in the bank this afternoon. I hope you need it or can use it. " I said mom, why did you do that? I didn't ask you for any money this time. She told me that she knew but she just had the extra and thought I could use it... spooky...

9:00pm: I forgot to get the mail. I left it in the car. So I go out to my car and get in. I grab the mail and for whatever reason, I decided I needed to check the little compartment between the driver's and the passenger. You know, you keep change there, or sunglasses, maybe babywipes... I opened it and there was $10 there. I usually put "emergency lunch money" there because I sit in traffic a lot. Sometimes I need to stop and get a sandwich on the way home. You know what that's like.. - I went inside and opened my mail...

9:10pm: I was opening mail and one of the letters happened to be a refund check from work. I had bought something 2 months ago for a luncheon and turned in my reciept. The check was for $27.95.

11pm: I was doing laundry and found a $5 in a pocket.

So, as I go to bed that night - I thank whatever forces made it possible. I even had to laugh a bit and think ok, that's pretty good. I was still convinced that perhaps it was all coincidence. I mean, finding money that you put away or left in a pocket is normal, right? I mean my mom knew that in the past I needed money so..., and my friend - well ok, that was a lucky strike and so was my kid's dollar. That night, I collected close to $300 - without really doing a thing... but I had to test it further because I also thought, hey - it can't be this easy or this quick...

The next day I woke up feeling quite good. My mother came to visit and I was going to have the night off. A friend phoned and randomly mentioned that a friend of ours was having a house party and she invited me to go. I hadn't been in a very very long time so, why not. As I got ready I said - ok universe, you did a pretty good job yesterday, how about today? I'd like to meet a very sweet man this time around. Show me what you've got.! - I had this attitude until I got to the party.

9pm: We arrive, same ol same ol people. A few new faces from a long time ago. I ate some, chatted up some old friends and danced a little. Nothing happened.

10pm: His international crowd of friends show up - people from Greece, Italy, Spain, and other European countries - they were dancing, making noise, and just having a good time. Reminded me of my days living overseas. From that crowd, 3 people tried talking with me and tried getting my phone number. It was hilarious - I felt like a star! Again, I had nothing to loose so I gave them my email address. I repeated to the universe sometime later - whichever one of these 3 is the sweetest, let him come forth. - (Ok, kind of dramatic right but I thought , hey - this is what they do in movies right?)

That night, a Spaniard talked to me most of the time. We danced, chatted, laughed - it was like a first date. He was the only one who called me the next day and we went out for coffee. He was a very sweet gentleman. Very much so - kind hearted, gentle - amazing! We dated for 3 months, until he had to leave and return to his home country...

Ok, so 3 months go by - had a wonderful time with the Spaniard, forgot all about the ex bf, and it was great. Now what? This guy left because he was on temporary assignment and just now what? Back to the secret. It was working for me. So I said, ok - one more test. I' m going to specify this time...I wrote a letter...

"Dear Universe,
Please bring me the following:
1. a man that looks like George Clooney
2. sweet and nice
3. no issues with working in the USA
4. perhaps should be a foreign guy

(ok, I was smitten by the Spaniard) - The next few weeks proved interesting. I was randomly hooked up with someone via facebook - he was friends with someone else - my friend said oh, you'll enjoy reading his wall and the comments. He had no pictures posted but his quotes and sayings and jokes were cracking me up. Finally I wrote to him and said we should talk. So, we did - he got online everyday (no kidding) and spoke to me hours and hours. He started calling me on the phone and even emailing here and there. He was an Italian guy and when I thought about it, I had never seen a single picture of him. Not one - I finally started asking. He bought a webcam and so did I and in the very first broadcast, I nearly fell to the ground. This guy, resembles George Clooney a lot. He even told me that people tell him this quite often. His mother was greek and his dad italian so he has dark features. He even told me that he works with an American company and has a permanent business visa to the USA...

After that, I stopped making requests. That last one spooked me out because then, I actually started believing that it was working in my favor and it wasn't just some coincidence. I was a little more specific in what I wanted and I got just that - I had to leave it alone because I had just grasped the true nature of what I was actually using...

That brings us up to date. I read the whole book and watched the movie. Did some research online and listened and read some theories and testimonies an dso on. Now that I'm more familiar with it, I want to begin using it again. There's no doubt about it that for me, it works. I have to remember these guidelines though, 1. specify and 2. be careful what I wish for.

(this is a long story - if you're still with me, go grab a box of cookies)...


So all these things happening in my life - they are infinitesimal compared to matters of the world or perhaps even to those reading this blog - but, they remain the center of my insanity. I want to get rid of them but I don't know how. I felt like I was reaching an all time low. At that time, the movie, "The Secret" was out and of course people are raving about it. A friend of mine told me what it was about and when I saw the trailer, I was like - nah, sounds like a bunch of junk. I passed up the offer. Meanwhile, my life was plagued with death here and there, bad luck, and a downward spiral of finances.
Sometime in July or August of last year, I got an email from a good friend. I read through his email and so on and at the bottom of it, he had added a link. His tag read something like, "Live in abundance" and I clicked it and it took me straight to the website for the secret. You could download the trailer and the movie. (whether that was official or unofficial, I don't know). Ok, so I downloaded it thinking - ok, I'll give it a chance. - No luck. My computer wouldn't allow me to watch the format and I couldn't install anything because it was a work computer. I didn't have administrative rights... Instead of asking for permission or the program I just said - oh well - and moved on.

Things kept getting worse it seemed and then I had to keep asking for money from my parents! The divorce I was going through cost a lot of money, there was talk of him taking me to court in order to get custody, I was scared! We'd lived apart for more than 2 years and I thought it was smooth sailing. We got along just fine and lived our own life - he had a new girlfriend and I had a new boyfriend. - Things at work - our new director was awful and we had more and more work. I spent less and less time with my own child and there was not enough money...blah! I finally decided that I needed sometime for myself so I took 3 days off work, dropped the baby with grandma, and decided I was going to relax. I was only going to do things that made me happy. I decided to go to a concert with my boyfriend and I was going to spend the weekend with him.

Not a good idea. He ended up bringing along another woman that he'd previously had something with - I knew about her, but she didn't know about me. It was quite the awkard situation and very uncomfortable. I stuck it out and when it was over, I told him I would like to go to his home and pick up my things. She came back with us! - It wasn't like I just up and left because this woman was with us - there was history behind it. A long story - We had known each other 2 years as friends. He didn't tell me he had a live in girlfriend until 3 months after the fact that we were dating, I stopped seeing him and not talking for about 6 months then oneday he just reappeared. Literally just showed up to my house at a small gathering I was having. We slowly became friends again, that girlfriend eventually left him, and about 4 months after she left, we became "us." It was the best relationship I had ever been in. Low maintence, funny, spontaneaous, romantic...all the fixin's! Just one problem - he was a "babe" magnet. Loves women and women of all sorts, shapes, colors, sizes, etc... I could appreciate it and I was secure with myself so I said - you know, let's remain open. He said sure!

He told me if he had been seeing anyone else whenever I asked. I could handle it. I only asked him to maintain distance. I didn't need to meet them. We had a few issues with that and then this one, that concert, was the last draw. I left with the idea of giving him some space. I left on a good note and he said he understood. I said I'd call him in a few days - just let me get myself together. 10 minutes after I left - text message, " I need 2 thk if I wnt u in my life. u handled this badly. maybe u rn't the right 1." - I immediately called him, nothing - He wouldn't answer and when he did, he gave a cold, "stop calling" - and just as quickly as he entered my life, he had gone. Now what. 2 more days left of my "me time" and this is what I get. Can it get any worse?

I was sad and miserable for a month it seemed. A friend finally said - get out of the house and come with me. You need some touch therapy. (what?) She convinced me to attend a group where apparently people just touch and hug all the time. Interesting concept. I went - as uncomfortable as that sounds, it was quite great! I met quite a few really cool people. I even exchanged numbers with a few. My birthday was coming up in a few days and I decided they would become my new social group but I quickly found out, that none of them lived close by - even one lived all the way out in California.

So my birthday comes - nothing special. It had been 6 weeks or longer since the breakup and nothing. That day, I got a text message from him. "Happy bday!" - and I thought to myself - ugh, why are you bothering... A few minutes later, the courier guy shows up and says he had a package for me... wtf? I never get packages.

I study the label and who is from? This guy in California. I had known him 2 days, why is he sending me a package. We exchanged addresses and emails as he said he was returning next weekend and wanted to GPS it to my house. He'd pick me up and go to lunch... Now I see... it was so he could send me this package. I opened it and it was a book - "The Secret". It had a note in it, " Just by talking to you, this seemed appropriate. I hope you enjoy and Happy Birthday."
Well, I didn't tell him all about my depression we only talked about "fun" things. I barely knew him. Anyway, I said to myself - I guess there is no excuse now...

Who am I now? That's a good question to ask and thank goodness I know the answer. It took me more than 10 years , 1 child, 2 failed marriages, living on the other side of the planet, hosting some exchange students, loosing the real love of my life, and plenty of drunken margarita nights to figure out that I'm still not 100% happy.

So who am I? - plain and simple - I'm an American Beauty - a victim of multiple personality disorder being one person in my social circle and another behind closed doors in my own home, yet another one when I go home to mother. What I want isn't what I got! Well, I'm tired of it and ready to change it. I want to do it quickly - before I turn 1/2 a century old! ... but how am I going to do that?

Wouldn't you like to know? I'll only tell you this - that I am an American female. I will state that a I grew up underneath a southern flag, chewed on sassafras root, and on occasion, forced to drink cucumber water. I had four bosoms to lay my head upon at night but there was never that strong heavy voice to remind me to , "listen to your mother." We saved what we could when we could and when we did, I got a violin, a flute, a clarinet, ballet shoes, soccer shoes, and finally - a prom dress. Life wasn't great, but it was better - better than the other lives I had seen come and go so quickly.

I've always received what I wanted and when I wanted it. Ok, well - some of it. Then the age of 18 came along and I suddenly found myself swimming and gasping for air. It was sink or swim and I chose to swim. I worked my ass off in college, 3 or 4 jobs, no car, studied until the wee hours of the night. Kept a music scholarship in my back pocket then somehow, funded myself through a study abroad program. I learned another language, higher order thinking skills, and got a framed piece of paper with a golden seal from a private institution. -- Darn, I wasn't finished yet. Life had just begun. The real , real world was coming at me and it was coming faster than pieces from a plummeting skyscraper...

I acted quick and got a real job 3 days after graduation. My parents were furious that I didn't stay home for awhile and to this day, I still can't understand why they wanted me to stay in that town. I grew up there, went to college nearby - why did I still need to linger? No way - off to see the world is what I wanted to do, and I did - I pushed everyone out of my way and did what I wanted to do, no matter what but, that was more than 10 years ago...